“Silent no more.”

This phrase came to me in a meditation a week or so ago and landed with such an energetic thud that I knew I needed to sit with it for a while. (And then, once I understood its message for me, to take action. So here goes…)

Actually I’ve been working with this theme since the “Lionsgate” and Full Moon August 8th. (In fact, this is my life’s journey – more on that in a bit.) I was just back from 10 days away at our family cottage, a cabin nestled within forest and overlooking the lake, where I spent many hours reading and journalling to the rhythm of the lapping water. I had been nourished and filled up with creative ideas for my business, and just before I left I declared before the Lady of the Lake what I was recommitting to in life and work. This was it and I was ready!

And then, within a day of returning home, I got sick. My throat tightened up and it felt like I was swallowing glass. My tonsils and glands were enlarged and inflamed. I couldn’t shake it.

I knew, absolutely, and especially as it continued on and on, until only a few days ago, that there was an energetic component to this dis-ease. Since the throat is connected to voice, I began to ask, what am I not saying? What angry words am I holding onto? Where am I not speaking my truth? And also, what inner voices (limiting beliefs, gremlins, saboteurs) are resisting my wanting to step into my full power?

Whether or not you’re into astrology, there’s no denying something especially powerful has been going on since the beginning of August. North Korea, Charlottesville, followed by the Solar Eclipse and most recently the extraordinary fires, hurricanes and flooding, with more still to come. Things are really getting stirred up. From what I’ve read, and feel to be true, this is a time of collectively — and particularly for us as women — exposing the dark and really stepping into a new level of consciousness.

In the aftermath of Charlottesville in particular, I began to read powerful articles and social media posts, mostly by women, who were speaking out, calling out, rising up. What hit me the hardest was the idea that we are complicit if we don’t speak up against racism, bigotry, xenophobia and misogyny.

One blogger urged women with a platform, of whatever size, to use it to speak up, rather than keep the tone fluffy and positive as we — I — so often do. I was also challenged by the idea that as a white woman of privilege (huh?), I am complicit in upholding racism and supremacy.

I wondered, where have I been silent and complicit in all of this? Where else have I been silent? What has held me back from speaking my truth? What truths do I most urgently need to voice at this time?

I could write reams on this with stories of voicelessness from my distant and recent past — like how I dated boys I didn’t even like because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings and was afraid to say no. How that spilled over into my significant personal and professional relationships later on.

And there is voicelessness from the long ago past too, what I believe is a deeply ingrained pattern in the collective unconscious and soul imprints of women and our female ancestors who have lived in patriarchy for thousands of years.

On the flip side, I could write about the times I did use my voice and spoke my truth. How voicelessness led me to the work I do in the world, supporting myself and others in finding and using their voice, first in public relations, later as an advocate for holistic therapies in the nonprofit I co-founded, and now through my GoGreenInside work with midlife women, and as a writer and dancer. How it’s no coincidence that my company name is Vox (the latin word for voice) Communications.

And now here I am, writing this at the September Full Moon, a time of illumination, knowing that even as I have remained silent, somewhere lurking in me there was always this fire — and as I write this, I feel the literal fire of a hot flash rising up in me — yelling, NO MORE!!

I’ve been holding back for too long. Saying a little, here and there. Not writing what I know I’m meant to write. Being polite.

No more!

No more holding onto my truth, waiting until I can get the words out perfectly. No more hiding behind my deepest fears of losing love, or being persecuted.

It’s never been more urgent for me, for us, to speak up and stand up for what we believe is true, for what aligns with our values of love, freedom and whatever we hold dear, and in opposition to fear and hatred.

I will try to be OK with not everyone agreeing with everything I’m about to say. I am not saying this will be true for you. I’m doing my best to say what feels true for me. I will try to be OK with not getting this exactly right. I know some of what I’m saying may be contradictory or incomplete. I don’t have all the answers. I am OK with starting from where I am right now. I am celebrating the courage it takes for me to say these things.

My declaration of truth

I call myself out for the times I have seen through white-coloured glasses and made negative assumptions about people based on their race. I am more aware now and will actively work to shift this.

But I will not declare “I am” a racist or “I am” a white supremacist as some have suggested we should. This doesn’t feel true for me. Because while sometimes these behaviours have been, either unconsciously or consciously, in me, they are NOT who I am. For me, that’s an important distinction.

I am calling myself out for the times I have been complicit by not speaking up against racism or against political policies I don’t agree with. I have stayed silent when family members make racist “jokes” because I want to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I have told myself, “It’s not worth it.” “They won’t understand my perspective anyway, so why bother?” “I’m afraid I’ll get tongue-tied.” And underneath this, “I feel like I’m not powerful enough.” I am changing this.

It’s easy to speak my truth with like-minded (mostly) women. I’ve backed down when people with “strong personalities,” especially men, say things I don’t agree with. I want to change this.

I acknowledge my white privilege. I didn’t really consider it until recently. This speaks to the power of the voices I’ve heard and read who spoke up about this after Charlottesville to expose and get us talking about these difficult and important issues. I am doing this now too by writing and sharing this post.

I carry anger and revulsion related to all the divisive global events that have arisen in recent months. And possibly some shame for the part I caused in it. Definitely responsibility and remorse. I do believe we collectively helped to bring this “shadow” into power. And I want, need, have to, believe that women and the sacred feminine and divine masculine will rise up to heal it.

I think it’s probably going to be a long and challenging road. I think we all have to find and do our part. In whatever way we can. We have to do more than we think we can. This is my first step.

I believe it’s the illusion of separateness (from Source/the Universe/God/whatever you wish to call it, and from each other as an extension of Source) that is the root cause of all suffering on the planet. There are places where I forget this and hold myself as separate. Sometimes as “better than.” Sometimes as “less than.”

If we are all connected, then that means everyone of us is connected, in some way, to some kind of ‘group’ of people that have, at some time, been oppressed, or been the oppressor, through this illusion.

I mostly turn away from the bad news that’s happening. I want to disassociate. Because it scares me. Because it hurts my heart. Because I know we’re all connected. (Again, that means I’m also connected to the men who marched in Charlottesville, right?)

Sometimes I hide behind “love and light” and do spiritual by-pass. Sometimes I feel like that’s a good and healing thing. Other times I think it’s good to be with the thing you don’t want to be with so it is seen, and so you can get through it to the other side. Mostly I am grappling with how to respond because I also believe that if you focus on what you don’t want, you will get more of it.

I always wanted to be a “good girl” and like so many women, I abandoned the parts of myself I judged as bad. I am willing to look at those parts now. I am beginning to understand that the dark is also part of the wholeness, that destruction is necessary in order to rebirth. I’m doing the work. Because it’s time. Because we have to.

What am I committing to in being ‘silent no more’?

I am committing to:

• Speaking up in fierce courage in all areas of my life, and listening to the truth of others. Deeply.
• Sharing what I believe, even if I think it might make other people uncomfortable, or angry, or they will think I’m weird or nutty (my projections; their business)
• Writing more, in my journal, yes, but also where it will be seen — in more regular blog posts. And books (gulp). About truth, the power of women, the healing of women, my healing, and how we can collectively help heal the world, starting with doing our own inner work. And sometimes about political stuff.
• A deep dive into all the other areas of my business, including my coaching, consulting and courses, all of which require me to use my voice and encourage other women to use theirs — this means being seen and heard, in all my perfect imperfection, on video (web series and vlog coming soon), as a workshop leader, on the dance floor, and more
• Building a community of powerful women who share their resources and wisdom (I’m still percolating this idea and will share more later this fall; in the meantime, I’m making a small start below). Because, to paraphrase Howard Thurman, what the world needs is more midlife women who have come alive. And to quote the Dalai Lama, “The world will be saved by the western woman.”
• Walking my talk through enriching self care that follows the rhythms and cycles of (my) nature, and that I don’t use as an excuse to NOT get on with doing the above

I am saying YES to: starting where I am; risking being vulnerable; risking for the sake of growing, learning and being in service; and letting go of fears, or at least working with and through them.

I am saying NO to: trying to be perfect and getting it right; endless planning and not doing; and being less than all of who I am.

Your turn — What is your truth?

I invite you to explore what “silent no more” might mean to you. Because I know, deep in my bones, that this is a message for all women at this time.

Begin by clearing your mind, and connecting in. You could do this by meditating, taking a walk, sitting by the water, dancing, or doing whatever else roots you into your true nature.

Here are some questions you might contemplate and/or journal with:

What can I no longer be silent about?

What can I own about what’s going on in the world? What part do I play in it?

What am I willing to be with? What can’t I be with right now?

What do I know is true?

What does my heart want to express?

What does my womb (the centre of our creativity, and the place where we carry our “stuff”) want to express?

What do I need to say (to a friend, family member, significant other, at work, to my self)?

How am I currently expressing myself in the world?

What am I longing to express creatively?

How can I best use my voice to honour my values?

In what ways am I honouring what’s true for me?

In what ways am I dishonouring what’s true for me?

What’s available to me when I live fully in my truth?

What can I create when I live fully in my truth?

I would so love it if you would share something of what you discover, in an email back, or in the comments below. Or you could create your own piece of art, a blog post, a poem, a song, and share it using the hashtags #silentnomore and #gogreeninside. Let this be your declaration. And let’s celebrate each other’s expressions of courage and truth.

Some (not so) final thoughts and resources

We do this work of truth telling and healing alone, and we do it in community. I am so thankful for the many guides, teachers and mentors who have shown up at just the right time to illuminate my path. Right now this includes my fabulous teacher of women’s mysteries, Dr. Christine Page; my wonderful coach Kristen Bentley; and two of my marketing clients, Sandra Couts and Dr. Wendy Nickerson. All of these women are doing their own beautiful healing work in the world, and each has supported me in working through the physical, emotional and spiritual components of the dis-ease I’ve been journeying with over the past month.

It has never been more important or more urgent for us to tap into our collective feminine wisdom and power, and to speak from it.

If those who stand for white supremacy, division and inequality are going to keep marching with their tiki torches, then together we must rise and shine our divine light even brighter.

My invitation

If you would like support in exploring what’s true and meaningful for you, or to optimize your voice and message through a creative venture, I have several spots available for new coaching and marketing consulting clients for the fall season.

Life and Wellness Coaching
Come with an overall topic or goal in mind — it can be something related to any area of your life. You’ll gain insights, make powerful shifts, and move forward with key next steps through exploring powerful questions as I hold the vision you have for your life and what you long to create.

WOW (Women of Wisdom) Day — for Creative Entrepreneurs
If you want to finally move forward with a new or existing creative venture and have been frustrated with online programs that leave all the work to you or charge the earth for one-on-one consultation and implementation, this combination of coaching and consulting is for you. We’ll combine our wisdom — your vision and passion, my coaching and consulting experience — to look at your “why,” shifting any limiting perspectives that might be holding you back, and then get inspired to work on the “how.” You’ll come away with a renewed sense of focus and devotion to launching your creative project into the world, as well as specific strategies (from branding to sales to web copy) and even a detailed timeline/planner for launch that we develop together.

Sessions are available in person, via phone or Skype. Please email me at kbrown@gogreeninside.com for full details and to arrange a complimentary sample session.